in, un, too
by sam carter 1013
Summary: She wanted to tell Walter C’mon bastard, I picked you, be worth it." A Grey Matters post-fic


Spoilers: Grey Matters

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Author's notes: I want to apologize in advance, my dialogues may not be as well constructed, my brain is guilty for trying to say too much. Pretty much of what is here was inspired by the discussion of Grey Matters at Fringe Bloggers, and I really tried to get into Olivia's head, because that woman had to deal with too many things.

I would like to thank again to wjobsessed, Elishak, Angeleene at Fanfiction and to Agui, Mancha at Fringe Forum. I still can't express properly my grattitude. Enjoy!

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in-, un-, too

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So much time waiting for them to make their move, so much practice at the shooting ring, so much running around her block trying to regain all of her strenght... her hip and leg were hurting... all waste to nothing.

Newton was bluffing the whole damn time, she was sure of it. Tthere was not an special combination to the syringes, he just made her doubt because Newton knew how would she react. He had this horrible advantange over her: he knows her, her motivations, her mind; he had time to study her, he knows what drives her and how emotional she could be, he counted with Peter being there and ask for her help. The bastard.

All the people she trust screwed up, Astrid left Walter alone, Peter and his begging... she kept hearing it in her head.

"_Olivia, you've got to get back here. Please! Please. I need your help."_

She hated Peter for having made her go back, she hated him.

"_Olivia, please, I need your help. I think he's dying. Oh God, Walter. Walter!"_

His voice on the phone. Desperate.

And he is right, she is weak, and now he knew how much.

She felt so defeated, so tired.

She wanted to tell Walter _C'mon bastard, I picked you, be worth it._

And what was worst, that single minute moment where he said Walter will die and she thought _Good_.

_W__hat kind of person does that make me that I wish his death?_

Peter was wrong, it was only her fight, she had been trained by the very man for whom she had lost their killer, only her, she was the gatekeeper, the responsability laid on her shoulders, not his, he could go at any given time, whenever he wanted.

_What kind of person am I now?_

"Olivia." The closeness of his voice made her jump, his hand was on her shoulder but she could barely feel it. She turned to face Peter, he looked her right in the eye his expression changing inmediately.

"What's wrong?" He had seen the wrath in her eyes.

"Nothing. Did you need anything?" Her words were coming out harsh, she was to damn angry.

"No... I just..." Olivia could tell by the change in his expression that Peter was trying to figure out what was wrong. "I'm going with Walter to the hospital, they want to verify that everything's okay..." She didn't register the words, she could just see Peter's lips moving and his hands pointing to the house behind them in slow motion.

"Okay, I'll see you later." Olivia cut him up and turned to leave.

"Hey!" Peter caught up with her, she still couldn'tregister his hand on her shoulder. "What's going on Olivia?"

She didn't dare looking at him or Peter would know.

_What kind of person am I now?_

"Nothing. I have to go."

She left him standing there in the middle of the yard and walked briskly to the SUV, she started the engine the moment she got in because she knew Peter was watching her.

**********

She sat on her bathroom floor trying to get the strenght to get up after throwing up, her disgust was beyond that, it was at herself.

Broyles insisted she had made the logical desition, the rational one, and she was slowly getting to the point where she knew he was right, but... everything was getting fuzzy, she could not longer see a future, she was losing perspective. When letting a man die for the "bigger picture" had even become and option?

She got up and brushed her teeth, looking up at her reflection she saw the effect of everything, her braid was coming apart, she looked unkept and empty.

_What kind of person am I now?_

She was so consumed on this war that she was losing herself on the way, she was becoming into this horrible person, insensitive, obsessed, too invested in what is to come...

_How could she not notice Charlie?_

_How could she wish that to Walter? and Peter._

_It wasn't Astrid's fault._

"Liv, are you okay?" Rachel asked, looking worried from the batroom door.

_Was she?_

*********

"Bless me father 'cause I have sinned."

"Tell me your sins, my child."

"I wished a man's death."

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For the next few days Olivia and Astrid were left to handle the ton of paperwork that tend to accumulate at Fringe Division, Walter and Peter would be back at the lab the next morning, after Walter's mandatory rest. Astrid never said a word but Olivia knew she was observant and could notice; Olivia, in an attempt to erase her guilt at her thoughts of the young agent brought breakfast every morning. Astrid just kept smilling at her, she seemed to understand.

Astrid's phone had been ringing like mad all the time from which she could conclude two things: one, Walter was restless, Peter too, if his annoyed voice at the background of every call were any indication; and two, she was still mad; that tiny part of her kept spiking, like a dissonance trying to take over the whole melody.

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"Knock, knock."

Olivia could see Peter reflected on the window, Walter behind him with a big pink box in his hands. She turned towards the door trying to look cheerful, but she could tell Peter didn't buy it.

"What are you doing here?"

"Walter wanted to tell you something."

"Oh." She tried to keep her emotions at bay. "What is it Walter?" Olivia stood up and walked towards them, she didn't want to touch him. She felt _it_ coming back.

_Whydidn'tyoudieBeworthitdamnitIt'syourfaultIdon'thaveachoice__WhatdidyoudotomeWhyme._

He had a bandage on the left side of his neck, looking like a little lost kid Walter hugged her with unshead tears in his eyes. Peter was watching from her office door. She put her arms around him.

"Thank you Olivia."

_Be worth it you bastard_

"You're welcome Walter." Walter let go slowly, touching her cheek in a fatherly way, smiling.

"Peter, the box." Peter handed the box to Olivia "He wanted to cook a whole feast, but we finally got settle for dessert."

Olivia accepted the box and placed it on her desk, she slowly lifted the lid expectantly, she found a berry pay. Her favourite.

_He was trying to be worth it._

"Thank you, Walter. It looks delicious."

"Your welcome." Walter whispered in her ear. "I know is your favourite." _How could he know that?_ "Peter helped me bake it." He said in that tone he used everytime he tried to imply there was something between her and his son.

"Now, if you excuse I need to tell something to Agent Farnsworth." Walter dissapeared on the hallway looking for Astrid.

Olivia occupied herself studying the pie while Peter studied her.

"I hoped we could share that after dinner." Peter finally entered the office and pointed to the pay.

"I have a lot of work to do, maybe another day." He smiled at her. It always reminded her of that Peter of the first days.

"You have been at this all day Olivia, take a break, let us distract you for a while, we promise to bring you back soon."

She bit her lip looking around her office, it would be nice, but she didn't know if she could handle it. If her guilt and shame would let her handle it.

"Just try Olivia, please." Peter gave her this raw look that she so rarely saw on him, begging her to try. She nodded. Still feeling unconfortable she turned and caught her reflection at her office's window, she looked better, she felt better, but still not whole, still out of phase.

She started to gatter her things, Peter kept looking out the hallway, he seemed nervous, anxious... he was keping and eye on tried asking for Walter's health, but lost the nerve feeling like a hypocryte.

She was putting on her coat when Peter approached to help her.

"Walter finally remembered where he left his slippers." Olivia looked at him confused. "He seems to be remembering some things, he believes is a residual effect of the procedure," he made a pause "the thing is Olivia..." his eyes were very close to hers; filled with emotion, they were to close, "when I couldn't feel his pulse, he wasn't breathing... " she imagined the worst pain in the world and saw that reflected in his eyes, " you came back, that means a lot to me and, and... despite what you think you made the right choice."

"You talked to Broyles." She said matter of factly.

"No. I could see it in your eyes in that yard, you questioned yourself." He was very serious now."You could have made a different choice," the thought crossed Olivia's mind too quickly _And live with that kind of hate from you. Never _ ",I know it wasn't easy, you still have issues with Walter, I still have issues with Walter, but... he is my father and I could have lost him that day." Peter hugged her just like Walter had done a minute ago. She felt overwhelmed and undeserving of his gratitude. Maybe she should confess, tell him the truth, she was left with mid words.

"He is worth it Olivia, he tries to be it everyday."

She wanted to say _I know_ . This hate, this wrath towards walterwould not suddenly dissapear, it would be to expect too much, this was something she will have to learn to live with, this; like wathever ability she had, she had to try to conrol it, live with it and put it to good use, but the fact was that he was trying , really trying, and he had lost tree pieces of his brain, he was there everyday at the lab trying to fix his mistakes, he was trying...

"You are a good person Olivia."

_So is he._

********

"Are you crying aunt Liv?" Ella was looking at her under the bed covers where she had tried to muffle the sound.

"No, sweetie. Why don't you go back to sleep? Your mom will be here in the morning." Ella had that pensive Dunham expression that marked a line on her little forehead.

"If you are afraid I can sleep with you."

"That will be nice."

Ella got closer and hugged Olivia.

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the end

2nd Author's note: The weird title comes from the fact that I couldn't decide on which word to use because everything seemed fitting. I wanted to use something like insensitive or unfeeling or too invested trying to describe Olivia towards the whole situation. She is al those things, good and bad, so, you can fill up with wathever word better fits her. Thanks for reading.


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